zen close up

I’m not so sure WHY it took so long to diagnose anxiety — social anxiety & ADD — that plagued me on and off for my life. You would think that join the dots testing in elementary and high-school I did with smiley face patterns and kind notes was a pretty clear indicator that something may be amok! I had no problem passing SO long as I HEARD the teacher. I never really gave much thought to being able to read but not comprehend what I read was abnormal ’cause it’s all I had ever known. I could understand patterns, explanations, colors, sounds, tones, but letters in the form of a word? …and yet to be able to write from the soul as it pours out of me. Humorous, thought provoking, detailed, odd. Synesthesia dyslexia isn’t a common house brand. small, medium or large synesthesia? tall, grande, venti synesthesia ? all i knew to do was to extrapolate the letters I did know, apply this knowledge to what is said, hopefully accurately, file it in my brain, apply a color coat or two and assign a number or sequence, a frequency pattern, then start all over again with the next word.

All I know is I felt pretty low self esteem most of my life. And when I was not in a wage earning situation it has become a choice not to feel powerless. I know the social anxiety will eventually dissipate likely once I finish school, pass my Mblex and begin to work… but how the heck an I gonna overcome this in the NOW right now so I can get through.
Then POW! it hit me. GO INTO the dark, illuminate it.
I don’t know what I don’t know so thats why I am IN school… to learn something I don’t already know. DOH! My anatomy teacher said that all I have to do is just ‘breathe’. I use that phrase often when coaching others through meditation, yoga, friendship everything is about breath control…
I’m there in response to my calling towards service to humanity. That’s a golden ticket I choose.
I know what i know.  i don’t know what i don’t know. i am learning every second of every minute of every day and now that I am in school again for the first time in 30 years, I’ve learned that panic attacks and anxiety have nothing to do with boys or looking a certain way. I just gotta breathe.

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Posted on

January 31, 2015

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